Sunday, June 19, 2011

This post has a lot of information. Potentially useful information! I mean, if for some reason you were thinking that I would make a pleasant wife, I’m sure this post will change your mind! [and possibly your sexual orientation, which I will not hold myself accountable for]

1. In case you were wondering what it is really like to be a girl, I can help you out. [Note: This varies by girl, and by month.]
-WEEK ONE-
I am awesome! I seriously could plan like. Eighteen weddings right now! I am going to start running today! Actually, I’m going to plan out a whole workout routine for the next three months! Yeah! I cleaned out and organized my closet, too! And I scheduled my whole week into half-hour time periods so I can be super efficient and awesome! Everything is clean! I am a domestic goddess! I made a to-do list for every day this week, and I did everything by 10am, and today’s only Monday! Wow, I rock!
-WEEK TWO-
Man, I look gooood. I mean, seriously, I am a sexy woman. I don’t care if people see me check myself out in building windows, they would do it too if they looked like me! Really, working out has paid off! I look great! If it wasn’t against the honor code, I would walk around naked just so everyone could see how good I look.
-WEEK THREE-
EFF YOU. Seriously, stop effing talking to me. I can’t stand you, and I’m not going to pretend like I can! And I’m not going to apologize, either! Where the eff is my effing phone. Awesome. I found my effing phone. Guess who effing texted me. Nobody. Because I have no effing friends. Eff my life. This effing sucks. I hate everything. I’m an effing brat and I’m not going to ‘fake it till I make if’ or whatever that effing phrase is. I’m effing pissed, I don’t want to deal with you right now, and unless you have chocolate for me, get the eff away from me!
-WEEK FOUR- [*most recent [[which is why it is more detailed]], most inconsistent, most stupid]
MONDAY
-wake up crying. Forget why.
-stop crying.
-remember why you were crying.
-cry more.
-realize you haven’t eaten for a while. Feel nauseous. Decide nothing sounds good. Cry because you suck at eating healthy and you’re going to get a million diseases from not taking care of yourself.
-eat a slim jim because although ‘nothing sounds good’, slim jims always sound good.
-cry because you ate a slim jim and now you feel gross.
-cry because you feel stupid for crying over eating a slim jim.
-give yourself a pep talk. Feel good. Celebrate by finishing the whole box of slim jims.
-cry because you fooled yourself into eating a whole box of slim jims.
-go to the library and check out too many books in hopes that they’ll make you feel better.
TUESDAY
-try to act like you’re not an emotional wreck.
-cry because you realize you totally are the biggest emotional wreck that has ever existed in all of womankind.
-cry because you checked out way too many books from the library and you’ll never have time to read them all.
WEDNESDAY
-accept the fact that you’re going to be crying all day.
-decide that you need to cry, but you really have nothing to cry about.
-go to the lifetime channel website.
-watch sappy shows.
-cry.
-realize you’re out of tissues and you are about to get snot on either your pillow or your hand. You choose your hand and cry some more in fear that one of your roommates will see your blubbery, snot-handed self run to the bathroom in shame.
-stop crying.
-watch clip of lifetime show you just watched again.
-cry again.
-decide you’re tired of crying, watch a not sappy show on hulu.
-be excited because so you think you can dance is on hulu. Watch latest episode.
-cry at every background story of each dancer.
-cry at every dance number, even if they’re not sad.
-cry at your slow internet for skipping a few seconds during one of the numbers.
-cry because the commercials froze during the breaks.
-cry because the commercials were all the same during the breaks.
-cry because they have too many commercial breaks.
-cry because the dancers that got cut are crying.
-cry because you’re not on SYTYCD.
-cry because you’re not really that coordinated.
-cry because you’re seriously crying at SYTYCD.
-realize that you’re really dumb, but you can’t help but cry anyway.
-decide that there are two personalities inside you: realistic girl Jessica and hormonal girl Jessica.
-realize that realistic girl Jessica only has power over hormonal girl Jessica 75% of the time.
-realize that this is the other 25%.
-keep crying. Might as well.

2. I showered for no reason yesterday night. I had the coziest sleep EVER. It felt GREAT! I am considering doing that more often, but I seriously HATE being wet. I have so much hair! Bleh.

3. There’s this fancy snow cone place in Provo that I went to last week with Liz and Chelsea that totally blew my mind. I didn’t even think I was into snow cones, or shaved ice? What’s the fancy name for that? I don’t know. Anyhow, I was told to try the wedding cake flavor, which really doesn’t sound right at all, but let me tell you, it was a match made in heaven. Isn’t that weird, though? Wedding cake flavored ice? I promise, it is DIVINE.

4. Have you ever really thought about the phrase(s), ‘What the… cuss/freak/junk/heck/etc.’? How does that make sense?

5. I need to do more music-y stuff. For real.

6. I love volunteering at the MTC more than most things. In fact, [and this is really hard for me to say] I would probably pick the MTC over chocolate. Yikes. For real, though, it’s such a cool thing. The missionaries I have worked with there are ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE. I could brag up a storm about each and every one them.

7. Sometimes I have these days where I feel super adventurously domestic. Some of these days end up in sad failures, but others end up with me feeling like a goddess. Today’s status: goddess.

8. I accidently erased four unread text messages Friday. I have no idea who they were from. Sad, sad, sad!

9. I LOVE just sitting around and listening to people.

10. I have never watched So You Think You Can Dance until this season, and I am COMPLETELY HOOKED.

11. I just found out that if you ask the workers, they will give you socks at the Provo temple. My life has been MADE. My feet have never been happier.

12. There’s no way I am the only one who listens to musical soundtracks and hyperventilates. I am probably going to die if I don’t belt my little heart out in the next day or so.

13. My ward has a pretty stellar bishopric.

14. My pink nail polish is like, dying. Sad!

15. I have bruises on my shins from walking into the shopping cart I was pushing. Am I challenged? How are you not supposed to walk into that stupid little bar at the bottom??

16. I feel like I’m trying really hard to be an adult/a big brave dog

17. There is no way to make tweezing your eyebrows fun.

18. I have a secret. It has potential to be exciting.

19. Happy Father’s Day!

1 comment:

  1. My sister and I read this.
    Laughed our heads off.
    And decided your blog is better than Hyperbole and a Half. :]

    ReplyDelete